Humor

[cubby]

Wife and I worked for the state here, usual retirement deal is 30 years of service at age 55, back in 1997 and 2002 they had early retirement deals where if your age and years of service equaled 80 (like 50 years old with 30 years in) they gave you retirement with a pension bonus. When they offered the one in '97 neither of us qualified but we began working as much OT as possible and investing a large part of our pay in the hopes they would offer another early out deal down the road, and when they did in 2002 we both qualified and because of all the saving and sacrificing we did over 5 years we could afford to leave.

BTW for my 31 years with the state I was a truck driver/delivery man/warehouseman/mover/carpenter/handyman who did heavy work much of the day and I got used to hurting so even at my age I am just used to it.

JD, I give you and your wife a lot of credit , you set your goals and met them. Today its so hard to save but thats another story for later on. I don't mind working the next ten years until I retire but like you I hope to have everything paid off when I do. Although I don't have the options you did I will have a pension and a annuity. My wife hasn't worked in 10 yrs because of health issues so its taking us just a bit longer. Again my hats off to both of you.:thumbsup:....cubby

 

[Mower manic]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything you liked under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said,
'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirmed that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and
Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom, and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 糎hy yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied 糎ell, yes, in fact he did give me
$500?

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised
he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....

 

[Walleteater1]

:laughing::biggrin:

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything you liked under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said,
'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirmed that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and
Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom, and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 糎hy yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied 糎ell, yes, in fact he did give me
$500?

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised
he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....

::licking::biggrin::laughing::thumbsup:

 

[jd335]

A 3 yr old boy is examening his little testicles while having a bath and asks his mother..'Mommy, are these my brains?

"Not yet".. She replies.

thats so funny and true i always draw a blank when i want to tell a joke i will think of them when i have no one to tell them to anyone have that problem.:confused2:

 

[JDgreen]

Little Johnny, all of 7 years old, was playing in the backyard pool with two of his buddies, and his sister Susie asked if she could join them. They told her no, and she went off crying to her mother, saying: "Johnny and his friends are playing submarine in the pool, and they told me I couldn't play the game because I don't have a periscope....."

 

[Bison]

A young boy was waiting for his mother on the side walk outside a store when a gentleman stopped and asked the young fella.." excuse me young man",but can you tell me where to find the post office"
The boy told him, 'sure',..go straight down this one and take the first road to your left,its about 2 blocks down"

The man thanked him and said", i am the new pastor in town and i invite you to come to my church next sunday, I will show you how to get to heaven.

The boy looked at him and said"... yeah right!,... you didn't even know where to find the F''''king post office!

 

[JDgreen]

This is old, but has always been one of my favorites:

Jimmy was in his 8th grade history class, and it was a Friday afternoon. The teacher announced, "Whoever can answer my three questions first and correctly can go home early for the day". And Jimmy told himself, "Oh boy, nobody knows more about history than me, I'm clever, that answer's mine!!"

The teacher first asked, who said: "I have a dream?' and before Jimmy could raise his hand, Mary raised hers, saying "Martin Luther King" and the teacher told her, "Correct, you may leave".

His second question was, who said "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what can you do for your country?" and before Jimmy could react, Susie raised her hand and answered "John Kennedy" and the teacher told her, "Correct, you also may leave now".

His third question was, who began his speech with "Four score and seven years ago...?" and Jimmy wasn't quite fast enough this time either, as Connie had her hand up first and answered "Abraham Lincoln" and was also given permission to leave for the day.

Jimmy slumped down in his chair, really angry, and as the teacher told his students "Please open your books to lesson 17", Jimmy muttered to himself, "D******T, I WISH THOSE B******S HAD KEPT THEIR MOUTHS SHUT!!!!"

Shocked, the teacher asked "WHO SAID THAT??"

Jimmy jumped to his feet and hollered: "BILL CLINTON !! SEE YOU MONDAY!!!"

 

[webuyanymower.com]

A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q. The attendant says, "Would you like a screw for that?"
She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower!"

 

[webuyanymower.com]

I still think about my ex quite a lot...

It's really hard to push the lawn mower over the 'bump'.

 

[webuyanymower.com]

An old man is working in a general store, which sells EVERYTHING. He gets a young guy to help him and he asks him if he has ever sold before.

The young guy says, "No."

The old guy says, "Watch me."

A customer comes in and asks for a box of grass seed. The old guy obliges and says, "Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

The customer says, "A lawn mower!"

The old guy says, "Sure, we have a sale, you're going to need one. Why not buy it now?" and he sells the customer a lawn mower.

The old salesman says to the young newcomer, "You see, he came in for a 3 quid box of grass seed and I sold him a 200 quid lawn mower!"

The young guy says, "Let me try."

A man walks in and the young guy says, "Good morning sir, can I help you?"

The guy says, "Yes, I'd like a box of Tampax!"

The young guy sells it to him and then asks, "Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

The customer says, "A lawn mower!"

The young guy says, "Well, your weekend's ****** up, you might as well cut the grass!"