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Humor

#1

C

cubby

Which brings me to this, Is there any humor anymore?

When I read a post usually by the "big 3" the thread is good but the reply takes a negative tone so
quick and loses track so fast that I think these guys or gals don't really laugh that much.

Today I helped my neighbors and friends pump out their cellars and crawl spaces from the wrath of
IRENE and all we did all day was laugh and helped each other out.

I don't think I could work the whole day without a little humor.

So what I would like to know is what your idea of humor is or what makes you laugh the most.

Some of my very first posts I left my self open and nobody caught them....cubby


#2

K

KennyV

Have to enjoy life... Humor is always welcome...
There are too many people that dwell on complaining, they are best ignored.

I will always try to find something to ... at least smile about. :smile:KennyV


#3

Bison

Bison

What is an Australian kiss.?

Same as a French kiss,........but 'downunder'


#4

jmurray01

jmurray01

Bison said:
What is an Australian kiss.?

Same as a French kiss,........but 'downunder'
Click to expand...
Decorum please :laughing:


#5

Bison

Bison

A 3 yr old boy is examening his little testicles while having a bath and asks his mother..'Mommy, are these my brains?

"Not yet".. She replies.


#6

C

cubby

KennyV said:
Have to enjoy life... Humor is always welcome...
There are too many people that dwell on complaining, they are best ignored.

I will always try to find something to ... at least smile about. :smile:KennyV
Click to expand...

I agree Kenny, just think how much healthier people would be if they smiled more. Or even better,
If they made someone else smile too!:smile:


#7

C

cubby

I like watching comedy on TV and movies. If its funny I'll watch it. I like jokes too all kinds so keep em
coming. I'm still laughing at the Australian kiss...cubby:laughing:


#8

Bison

Bison

What to do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down,make a tire and call it a ....'GOODyear"


#9

Bison

Bison

Why where hurricanes named after women?

Cause when they come they're wild and wet and when they go they take your house and car with them.:laughing:


#10

173abn

173abn

Happiness is being Retired,every day is a holiday!...russ


#11

JDgreen

JDgreen

173abn said:
Happiness is being Retired,every day is a holiday!...russ
Click to expand...

But you don't get holiday pay.....:mad:


#12

Bison

Bison

Being retired is hell.
Worn out and useless :thumbdown:nothing but downhill from there on :tongue:
The best years of yer life are behind ye :mad:


#13

JDgreen

JDgreen

Bison said:
Being retired is hell.
Worn out and useless :thumbdown:nothing but downhill from there on :tongue:
The best years of yer life are behind ye :mad:
Click to expand...

Sorry you feel that way, been retired since late 2002, just turned 60 last week, and I still feel great and all my parts and plumbing still work.

This week they work, anyhow. :thumbsup:


#14

173abn

173abn

have to disagree with you Bison my friend.I love being retired,no more bosses,no more hassles,no more driving to work 30miles every day in all kinds of weather.I'm my own boss now,I call the shots and if my dogs don't like it too bad...russ


#15

JDgreen

JDgreen

Mower manic said:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Click to expand...

This one is so old it has COBWEBS, has been in print 50 years at least. BOOOOOOO :thumbdown::thumbdown:


#16

JDgreen

JDgreen

173abn said:
have to disagree with you Bison my friend.I love being retired,no more bosses,no more hassles,no more driving to work 30miles every day in all kinds of weather.I'm my own boss now,I call the shots and if my dogs don't like it too bad...russ
Click to expand...

SO TRUE, retired at age 51 myself, still feel as healthy as I was at 40, making 35 grand a year with my pension after taxes to do whatever I want whenever I want. Wife retired when I did, pulls down a 40 grand a year pension and went back to work 3/4 time, she earns another 40 grand there after taxes. No mortgage, everything is paid off, we are healthier than 99% of folks our age...

LIFE IS SO GOOD.....:biggrin::biggrin::thumbsup:


#17

M

Mower manic

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"


#18

M

Mower manic

For the scotsman

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is pi1$$!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"


#19

Bison

Bison

173abn said:
have to disagree with you Bison my friend.I love being retired,no more bosses,no more hassles,no more driving to work 30miles every day in all kinds of weather.I'm my own boss now,I call the shots and if my dogs don't like it too bad...russ
Click to expand...

Sooo..... i am my own boss (farmer)never needed to drive cause i live at my work,i call all shots everyday,no employees either.

Does that mean for me i have to go work as a employee for some outfit in order to be "retired" :laughing:

What does it mean to "Retire"
What do you "retired" guys do all day besides mowing your 5 square foot lawn and yap on this forum :confused2:


#20

JDgreen

JDgreen

This garter snake slithers into a bar and up on a stool, and the bartender asks "so what will you have" and the snake orders a vodka gimlet.

The bartender turns, and begins mixing the drink, and suddenly stops, saying: "Sorry, but I can't serve you alcohol".

When the snake inquires why, he is told: "Because you can't hold your liquor...."


#21

JDgreen

JDgreen

Bison said:
Sooo..... i am my own boss (farmer)never needed to drive cause i live at my work,i call all shots everyday,no employees either.

Does that mean for me i have to go work as a employee for some outfit in order to be "retired" :laughing:

What does it mean to "Retire"
What do you "retired" guys do all day besides mowing your 5 square foot lawn and yap on this forum :confused2:
Click to expand...

"5 foot square lawn.....???" I have to mow 5 acres of lawn.


#22

B

Black Bart

JDgreen said:
Sorry you feel that way, been retired since late 2002, just turned 60 last week, and I still feel great and all my parts and plumbing still work.

This week they work, anyhow. :thumbsup:
Click to expand...
Just wait, Give it a little time you young whipper snapper


#23

Bison

Bison

JDgreen said:
"5 foot square lawn.....???" I have to mow 5 acres of lawn.
Click to expand...
That would be big enough to start a goat farm.:wink:
There's no way i would waste my time to mow 5 acre with a lawn tractor.:rolleyes:
But mebbe you use a push mower to kill time.:tongue:


But then...i ain't retired and have nuttin else to do like you:laughing:
I'm 61 and still run my 1800 acre ranch,i would be going nuts when doing nothing:confused2:
I would prob load the .22 and......


#24

C

cubby

JDgreen said:
Sorry you feel that way, been retired since late 2002, just turned 60 last week, and I still feel great and all my parts and plumbing still work.

This week they work, anyhow. :thumbsup:
Click to expand...

JD I'm 55, been a mechanic all my life mostly heavy equipment. Every day I wake up and something
else hurts. Getting stiffer too but I keep at it. Just hope I see retirement.:smile:

By the way how did you guys get to retire early? , Oh yeah thats right I live in New Jersey...duh:laughing:
....cubby


#25

jmurray01

jmurray01

Bison said:
Sooo..... i am my own boss (farmer)never needed to drive cause i live at my work,i call all shots everyday,no employees either.

Does that mean for me i have to go work as a employee for some outfit in order to be "retired" :laughing:

What does it mean to "Retire"
What do you "retired" guys do all day besides mowing your 5 square foot lawn and yap on this forum :confused2:
Click to expand...
The clue is in the word "Retired" - I.E. A person who is done with work and is taking life easy (or at least I would be).

So yeah, mowing a 5 square foot lawn and yapping on the forum, you got it to a tee :laughing:


#26

JDgreen

JDgreen

cubby said:
JD I'm 55, been a mechanic all my life mostly heavy equipment. Every day I wake up and something
else hurts. Getting stiffer too but I keep at it. Just hope I see retirement.:smile:

By the way how did you guys get to retire early? , Oh yeah thats right I live in New Jersey...duh:laughing:
....cubby
Click to expand...

Wife and I worked for the state here, usual retirement deal is 30 years of service at age 55, back in 1997 and 2002 they had early retirement deals where if your age and years of service equaled 80 (like 50 years old with 30 years in) they gave you retirement with a pension bonus. When they offered the one in '97 neither of us qualified but we began working as much OT as possible and investing a large part of our pay in the hopes they would offer another early out deal down the road, and when they did in 2002 we both qualified and because of all the saving and sacrificing we did over 5 years we could afford to leave.

BTW for my 31 years with the state I was a truck driver/delivery man/warehouseman/mover/carpenter/handyman who did heavy work much of the day and I got used to hurting so even at my age I am just used to it.


#27

173abn

173abn

wow Bison,did'nt mean to punch your sore spot.Being RETIRED means for me not having to face down DRUNKS,CRACKHEADS,METH HEADS,COKE HEADS,and various other kinds of addictions and afflications.I do what I want now living in the country yes cutting my grass ,building fence, rehabbing my barn tending my garden and various other kinds of hard labor.And lets not forget hanging around on the computer just like YOU...russ


#28

Walleteater1

Walleteater1

I'll give you humor. My fiance slapping me in the back of the head when she asked me what I was doing on the computer and I told her I was here checking out the Hustler and Snapper forum.


#29

jmurray01

jmurray01

Walleteater1 said:
I'll give you humor. My fiance slapping me in the back of the head when she asked me what I was doing on the computer and I told her I was here checking out the Hustler and Snapper forum.
Click to expand...
Somebody give this guy a drum roll, please! :laughing:


#30

JDgreen

JDgreen

jmurray01 said:
Somebody give this guy a drum roll, please! :laughing:
Click to expand...

RUMMA-TUM-TIMPA-RUMMA-TUMTUM.....what is so freaking funny?

Why would he be online looking at card sharp, pool player, and fish forums.....???


#31

C

cubby

JDgreen said:
Wife and I worked for the state here, usual retirement deal is 30 years of service at age 55, back in 1997 and 2002 they had early retirement deals where if your age and years of service equaled 80 (like 50 years old with 30 years in) they gave you retirement with a pension bonus. When they offered the one in '97 neither of us qualified but we began working as much OT as possible and investing a large part of our pay in the hopes they would offer another early out deal down the road, and when they did in 2002 we both qualified and because of all the saving and sacrificing we did over 5 years we could afford to leave.

BTW for my 31 years with the state I was a truck driver/delivery man/warehouseman/mover/carpenter/handyman who did heavy work much of the day and I got used to hurting so even at my age I am just used to it.
Click to expand...
JD, I give you and your wife a lot of credit , you set your goals and met them. Today its so hard to save but thats another story for later on. I don't mind working the next ten years until I retire but like you I hope to have everything paid off when I do. Although I don't have the options you did I will have a pension and a annuity. My wife hasn't worked in 10 yrs because of health issues so its taking us just a bit longer. Again my hats off to both of you.:thumbsup:....cubby


#32

M

Mower manic

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything you liked under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said,
'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirmed that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and
Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom, and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 糎hy yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied 糎ell, yes, in fact he did give me
$500?

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised
he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....


#33

Walleteater1

Walleteater1

:laughing::biggrin:
Mower manic said:
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything you liked under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said,
'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirmed that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and
Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom, and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 糎hy yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied 糎ell, yes, in fact he did give me
$500?

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised
he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....
Click to expand...
::licking::biggrin::laughing::thumbsup:


#34

jd335

jd335

Bison said:
A 3 yr old boy is examening his little testicles while having a bath and asks his mother..'Mommy, are these my brains?

"Not yet".. She replies.
Click to expand...
thats so funny and true i always draw a blank when i want to tell a joke i will think of them when i have no one to tell them to anyone have that problem.:confused2:


#35

JDgreen

JDgreen

Little Johnny, all of 7 years old, was playing in the backyard pool with two of his buddies, and his sister Susie asked if she could join them. They told her no, and she went off crying to her mother, saying: "Johnny and his friends are playing submarine in the pool, and they told me I couldn't play the game because I don't have a periscope....."


#36

Bison

Bison

A young boy was waiting for his mother on the side walk outside a store when a gentleman stopped and asked the young fella.." excuse me young man",but can you tell me where to find the post office"
The boy told him, 'sure',..go straight down this one and take the first road to your left,its about 2 blocks down"

The man thanked him and said", i am the new pastor in town and i invite you to come to my church next sunday, I will show you how to get to heaven.

The boy looked at him and said"... yeah right!:rolleyes:,... you didn't even know where to find the F''''king post office!


#37

JDgreen

JDgreen

This is old, but has always been one of my favorites:

Jimmy was in his 8th grade history class, and it was a Friday afternoon. The teacher announced, "Whoever can answer my three questions first and correctly can go home early for the day". And Jimmy told himself, "Oh boy, nobody knows more about history than me, I'm clever, that answer's mine!!"

The teacher first asked, who said: "I have a dream?' and before Jimmy could raise his hand, Mary raised hers, saying "Martin Luther King" and the teacher told her, "Correct, you may leave".

His second question was, who said "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what can you do for your country?" and before Jimmy could react, Susie raised her hand and answered "John Kennedy" and the teacher told her, "Correct, you also may leave now".

His third question was, who began his speech with "Four score and seven years ago...?" and Jimmy wasn't quite fast enough this time either, as Connie had her hand up first and answered "Abraham Lincoln" and was also given permission to leave for the day.

Jimmy slumped down in his chair, really angry, and as the teacher told his students "Please open your books to lesson 17", Jimmy muttered to himself, "D******T, I WISH THOSE B******S HAD KEPT THEIR MOUTHS SHUT!!!!"

Shocked, the teacher asked "WHO SAID THAT??"

Jimmy jumped to his feet and hollered: "BILL CLINTON !! SEE YOU MONDAY!!!"


#38

W

webuyanymower.com

A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q. The attendant says, "Would you like a screw for that?"
She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower!":eek:


#39

W

webuyanymower.com

I still think about my ex quite a lot...

It's really hard to push the lawn mower over the 'bump'.


#40

W

webuyanymower.com

An old man is working in a general store, which sells EVERYTHING. He gets a young guy to help him and he asks him if he has ever sold before.

The young guy says, "No."

The old guy says, "Watch me."

A customer comes in and asks for a box of grass seed. The old guy obliges and says, "Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

The customer says, "A lawn mower!"

The old guy says, "Sure, we have a sale, you're going to need one. Why not buy it now?" and he sells the customer a lawn mower.

The old salesman says to the young newcomer, "You see, he came in for a 3 quid box of grass seed and I sold him a 200 quid lawn mower!"

The young guy says, "Let me try."

A man walks in and the young guy says, "Good morning sir, can I help you?"

The guy says, "Yes, I'd like a box of Tampax!"

The young guy sells it to him and then asks, "Can I interest you in a lawn mower?"

The customer says, "A lawn mower!"

The young guy says, "Well, your weekend's ****** up, you might as well cut the grass!"


#41

W

webuyanymower.com

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed but somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day I found her seated in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.


#42

jmurray01

jmurray01

webuyanymower.com said:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed but somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day I found her seated in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.
Click to expand...
:laughing: Good one! :thumbsup:


#43

Bison

Bison

there is a poem contest going on.there two guys left for the finals.
1 is a harvard graduate,the other a newfie from Canada.

The 2 contestants had to make a poem from scratch with the African city timbukto in it.

The harvard guy had the first crack at it so he came up with:

Slowly trough the desert sand
trekked a lonely caravan
men on camels two by two
on the way to Timbukto.

A lengthy aplaus followed

Then the newfie took the mic and started.

Me and tim a hunting went
Met 3 whores in a popup tent
they was three and we was two
So i bucked one and Tim bucked two


#44

jd335

jd335

i have remembered this for years it's a true story but very funny to me we youst to have a hardware store in toen that carried everything the owner was around 70 years old and a guy came in one day and wanted a half a piece of stove pipe so the old man is walking back to cut the pipe when a gentelman walks by and says what are you doing walter and he says ah some sunbitch wants a half piece of stove pipe when he said he turned around and the guy was right behind him then he said real quick and this fine gentelman wants the other half.:laughing:


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