Lol. Apparently you've never met a bona fide, 100% idiot before. That's me. It took 3 spurts of carburetor cleaner to clean the carb, so I did, reassembled it and then I...
Put the old bad gas back in, and the lawn mower started. Now that I know I can get it working by cleaning the carb with carburetor cleaner. I'm mowing like a crazy man, and hopefully it will all be gone in a day or two. Just wanted to check in and let everyone know it's working now and confirm, that yes, I'm an idiot.